Hot Sex and Fear of Being a Daddy.
or… how a vasectomy is starting to look like a good investment.
*(ed note: this was my essay for my final in my “Sociology of the Family” class. The underlined parts are “key points” from our notes, almost verbatim)
My friend Shawn got a vasectomy years ago. His father was a failure, and in our culture that’s not a rare surprise. There are reasons for that. Our society tends to sequester daddies from their babies from birth. A good example of this is the absence of paid paternal leave. Interacting with their children from the start is an important step toward building a father’s confidence and familiarity with a new baby. New fathers are at a disadvantage from the start. Men often feel the responsibility to make the money to support their family, while mommies have the role of nurturing and making fundamental decisions about how the children should be raised. These expected roles are becoming cloudier today. More women are entering the work force while diaper stations are making an appearance in men’s restrooms. This improvement is a relief, but the vestiges of harmful past norms remain clear today.
I have a girlfriend now for the first time in years. Society doesn’t make it extra easy for a non-traditional feminist man to find his place with sex. I felt guilty and ashamed for having the same penis associated with the overtly hetero-machismo men who I share nothing in common with. It’s one reason I like to paint my nails pink. (I also like pretty colors). Sexual scripts dictate that men are supposed to be in charge and initiate sex. I had to learn that chivalry isn’t silence, and making the first move doesn’t make me a rapist. It isn’t always simple to live outside of societal expectations. It can hinder your sex life, and it can raise questions. Now I know I’m not just an uninitiated gay man. Now I’m having sex much more than average. One third of people reported in 2000 that they have sex twice per week or more. We’re at an average of twice a day and more. If/when that cools down, I assume we’ll still be having an amount of sex that makes us both very happy.
Since I live with my girlfriend, sexual frequency is increased. Morning sex is unlikely in relationships where there is not cohabitation. In this relationship, we set the alarm clock an hour early. Other factors, such as the fact that my girlfriend is medically unlikely to conceive and is also on the pill, likely increase our sexual frequency.
Getting to this point was not easy for me, and now I find myself thinking again about the difficulties associated with being a father. I know I’m not ready, and I might never be, but I also know about statistics. Accidental and unplanned pregnancy is not rare, and having sex two or three times per day probably increases the odds of surprise conception. It’s a fact that being prepared to start a family makes it more likely that I will be a good father. It is also a fact that my father probably knew I was on the way, and I still think he fucked up some fundamentals. It gives me a measure of confidence to know that men who believe in gender equality tend to show more warmth as fathers, but that alone does not convince me that I’m ready. From what I’ve read, vasectomys don’t even hurt. Maybe I should quit buying bicycle parts and pay somebody to cauterize my vas deferens very soon.
This has been an interesting semester both inside and outside of class. Thank you for sharing with us a curriculum of frank talking points to springboard further thought.
